10 Rules for Interacting with Dommes on Social Media
Following dominatrixes online can be awesome, what with all the sexy pictures and hot domme talk. But it can also be frustrating: Why don’t they reply to my comments? Why do they seem angry? What the fuck did I do?
There’s a way to approach online femdom that’s fun, and there’s a way that sucks. I’ve done both. I’ve been a tremendous idiot and a dupe, but I’ve learned from most of my mistakes and can now confidently say that I am, not to brag, moderately savvy online. So here are the top 10 things I’ve learned about how to have a healthy relationship with femdom on social media.
1. Don’t follow every domme you see
My first week on Twitter, I followed every female with Mistress, Domina or Queen in their name. A week later, I unfollowed almost all of them and started over.
I was constantly bombarded with dommes demanding tributes, dommes talking about their lives of luxury, dommes making the L sign with their thumb and index finger. It was too much of a good thing. Also, some dommes are selling bitchiness, so their online personas are bitchy, and I’m not into that. Seeing their posts felt like smelling spoiled milk.
Be selective about who you follow. Stick with those whose interests align with your own.
2. Beware of fakes and scammers
There’s money in femdom and findom, so they attract hustlers. Lots of women without any experience call themselves dommes. Often, they’re very good looking, usually they post a lot, and sometimes they’ll even reach out to you saying they’re looking for a slave. If you’re just looking for masturbation fodder, then no worries: follow them all you want. But be careful. It’s easy to get infatuated, and hustlers don’t care about taking more of your money than you can give.
Do your research. Look at their history. Look at their website. See if they have connections in the scene. Protect yourself.
3. Be patient and don’t take things personally
Dommes get tons of emails and tons of replies to their posts, a lot from assholes. It’s hard to pick out who’s sincere and worthy of a response. Be patient. If a domme’s been burned, and most have, they’re probably guarded, and rightly so. Be patient.
If they never respond, don’t take it personally. They may be overloaded, or you may not be their type, or they might not want to make new friends at the moment. It sucks when someone you find interesting isn’t interested in you, but I doubt it’s personal.
4. Remember: it’s their job
It can be frustrating when dommes demand a tribute before any interaction. But for many, it’s how they make their living. Their job is to talk to men and fulfill men’s fantasies, so it makes sense that they ask to get paid. On that note:
5. Buying a small gift or a 30-minute phone call goes a long way
I was against this for a long time. Why should I buy a domme something before we’ve even talked! What if we don’t get along?
I’ve changed my mind. Buying a domme a small gift is like buying a woman at a bar a drink. It might not work out, but it’s worth it. I recommend buying a small gift (under $50). Understand, though, that dommes often get very expensive gifts from their subs, so a small gift won’t get you undying loyalty. It should, however, get you at least a thank you. If it doesn’t, you’ve learned quickly and relatively cheaply that she’s not someone you want to serve.
A 30-minute conversation is an even better way to see if you’re compatible. It will also separate you from the legions of other men clamoring for free conversation. I’ve had a 30-minute call with a domme that worked out wonderfully, and we still talk to this day. I had another with a domme that was downright painful, and it saved me from booking an expensive session.
6. Know your limits.
Take some time to figure out your limits before you’re turned on, when everything seems like a fair trade.
For example, some dommes demand a tribute to talk about setting up a session or call. I don’t mean a deposit that counts toward the price of your eventual time together: I mean money just to discuss you giving them money. I understand why some dommes ask for this (lots of dudes are timewasters), but I won’t do it.
7. Have empathy
The world would be a better place if everyone had to wait tables for a month and if everyone had to be a hot woman on the internet for a month.
For every sub with good intentions there are at least two dozen trolls working out their anger. Some trolls are obvious, but some come across as normal and nice until the fourth email. Having to deal with shitheads all day long teaches you to put up strong barriers, and sometimes that comes across as bitchiness. Have empathy. Imagine what you would be like if people constantly demanded your time and attention and then called you a fucking bitch if you didn’t give it to them right away.
8. Some posts are conversations. Some posts are venting.
Early in my Twitter life, I got into it with a dominatrix. She was angry that subs wanted her rates right away. I asked why and added that knowing someone’s rate helps avoid wasting each other’s time. She didn’t like my comment…at all: I was an idiot; Twitter sucked; men were treating her like meat.
I knew I could help this frustrated woman, so I explained that asking for someone’s rate isn’t disrespectful; it’s just asking our most important question first. She was grateful for the clarification. Just kidding. She got even more upset. Now I understand why: she wasn’t looking for a conversation from her post; she was just venting.
Honestly, I didn’t even know people did this, but sometimes, they say things that sound like requests for information but are really just attempts to voice their frustration. One of the greatest improvements to my relationships was learning when to swallow my suggestions and just say “wow, that sounds hard.”
So before you give advice or try to start a conversation with a domme about their post, figure out if they’re looking for a conversation or just getting things off their chest.
For a funny video about this, watch It’s Not About the Nail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
9. Remember, dommes are human beings
It can be easy to think that dommes always think things through before they post, but they’re people, and people sometimes have bad days and say dumb things, or get frustrated, or act irrationally. Be careful of being overly judgmental or expecting perfection.
10. Stay positive
If I had a nickel for every time I saw something negative about submissive men, I’d have a lot of fucking nickels.
It can seem like dommes don’t like submissive men, and it can seem like they’re constantly pointing out submissive men’s mistakes. Other submissive men get in on it, too, virtue-signaling to curry favor. It’s so tiring.
I get it. Some submissive men are annoying. But there’s no guidebook for being a submissive. We almost all learn on our own, and that means making mistakes.
So keep your head up. Stay positive. It can seem daunting if you’re not getting the results you want, but keep searching. It took me a long time to find my domme.
Learn from any errors and accept that you’re not perfect. Also, ignore it when people bitch about submissive men.
It took me a while to figure out how to interact with dommes online, and a lot of dommes I liked and thought I’d follow forever I’ve now muted. Online relationships come and go easily. Follow these rules, however, and your relationship with femdom will stay healthy and fun. And don’t send an unsolicited dick pic. A domme will ask if they want one: they’re dominant, after all.