Shadow Fantasies

I worried about attaching my name to my latest book, Femdom Toilet Slave, to the point where I debated publishing it under a different name, a pen name for my pen name. I was worried because I’m uncomfortable with some of my desires, even if they’re desires I may never explore for real.

I’m specifically thinking of full toilet. I have gone in and out of feeling shame about my curiosity around it for some time. I’ve never done it, but I’ve thought about doing it for a long time. I fantasized about it when I was in 6th grade, when I knew nothing about femdom and thought I was the only one in the world who wanted to be controlled by women (this was pre-internet). My main fetish is the Dom/sub relationship, and what could be more dominant than shitting on a submissive?

But I haven’t done it, and I’m not sure I ever will.

Sometimes I feel that it’s just a shadow fantasy, and not something I want to do in real life. Other times I think it’s just fear and shame that prevent me from trying it. Part of my fear is the worry that if I do it, I’ll somehow be marked in some noticeable and permanent way. I also worry that I’m opening myself up to blackmail by letting a domme do this to me. Both of these fears are misguided, I know, but they’re hard to dislodge. On top of that, when I go to the bathroom myself, I find the smell disgusting and can’t believe I’d ever want someone to do that to me. I feel then that full toilet is just a desire for more and more extreme acts that’s a side effect of watching too much femdom porn.

But if I’m unsure about it, why haven’t I tried it? I’ve tried a lot of things I was unsure I was into. Some of them I didn’t like, but I’m still glad I explored them. Why is this different? The issue, of course, comes back to my first fear, that if I do it, I’ll never be able to undo it, that I’ll always be a guy who let a dominatrix shit on him.

When I think about who I want to be, it’s a man who makes choices out of desire and not fear. So a part of me feels like it’s time to stop wondering what it’s like and just do it. I’m not there yet. Maybe it’s fear; maybe I actually don’t want to do it. For now, though, it will remain as one of my shadow fantasies, and it will have to live with my other shadow fantasies, in my head and occasionally, in my stories.